the hunter, not the hunted

how do you say it?

so many times the moment has arrived and been let slip past for no other reason than cowardice.

strength could be the issue.

sobriety another.

personal belief.

isuck.

and no i will not answer questions so don't bother asking (you know who you are).

you know, there are so many varied occasions when i wish i knew better how to express what i'm thinking to those close to me, or those i perceive as close.

this is one of many.

the opportunity arises and i falter.

this is normal?

for most?

a planned occasion was shot down in flames earlier.

nothing unusual there.

why is everything a struggle right now?

just fucking KISS ME GODDAMMIT!

make a fucking move!

stop messing with my fucking head.

i SHOULDN'T have these thoughts, but you were there before this.

and i've not moved on.

i should, it'll never be more than a fling.

fcuk!

just say it!

it'll eat you from the inside out if you don't

personal philosophy aside; just ASK!

stupid crossroads.

is it wrong to want someone to actually practice the words they spell out in something close to a promise?

i don't think i was built for this sort of existence.

where's the freedom?

til next....
~Kits~ (a partial thought leak)

i am so tired. this stupid job. i don't mind it so much, it's mindless and i can mostly turn my brain off in order to do it, which is nice, but it's the insane hours! getting home in the wee hours is not exactly my idea of a fulfilling day at work, nor is the getting to sleep at hours near dawn only to be awoken by the Sprog at an hour or so past dawn (it feels like an hour or so past dawn, but it's usually around 8am). I'm currently existing on about 5 or 6 hours of sleep per night, doing stuff during the day (rarely getting the chance to nana nap) and then working between 3 and 6 hour shifts at night EVERY night unless i tell them otherwise.

i'm so sick of this not getting enough sleep thing, that i've started applying for new jobs that are available DURING THE DAY! So if anyone out there has or knows of any decent paying ($18.50ph minimum) part time jobs, could you point them in my direction. upsell me like there's no tomorrow. tell them they HAVE to have me or else they'll go bankrupt, or something. just tell them i'm neccessary to their existence and that they barely survived before they employed me.

---

in other not so 'grrrr' news. i've been looking at my study options for next year. i've missed the first round of early year enrolments, and doubt i'll have had enough time to seriously decide which path to take in order to apply for second round, so i'm looking at mid year enrolments in a BSc. Finally (yes, an uppercase 'F'). deciding which subjects to study (with at least 2 of them almost guranteeing Pots being my tutor) is sooo difficult. i can't decide between getting involved in something i know i can get paid bucket loads for post doc, or something i know i can get paid a pretty damn decent amount for. do i want to be a geneticist or a pathologist? that is the question. i know the geneticist part is due mainly to the influence of Pots (who is a geneticist and statistician), and i've always had some kind of macabre interest in pathology. the whole cutting up things and dealing with goop is quite appealing. then there's the whole 'research' aspect of science (which tends to be where the 'bucket loads of money' part is). i'd like to be earning a slightly more than comfortable income in the future, and i want to be able to provide Monkey with a more than comfortable future (as well as a juicy trust fund), but i know i shouldn't make the dollars my main motivation for choosing my major. i still can't decide between the two. and when it comes to genetics, there are so many different aspects to that as well.

also, do i wanna just be a biol pleb and minion and be a lab tech or some such other menial position, or do i want to run a lab and be in charge of plebs doing research into all kinds of funky things. but really, do i want the pressure of writing grant applications?

do i even wanna go post grad? i don't really think there is much chocice there. if i want to be in a decent position, i need a PhD.

guh! i gotta stop looking at the big picture and refine my search somewhat: what subjects do i want to study. but first: what focus do i want to take? Genetics or Pathology.

---

i've also managed to refine my search for monologues down to three, with thanks to the inimitable ghymoreid. I have Rumours monologue in Henry IV, Tamora's guilt trip from Titus Andronicus, and Lady Bracknells Algy monolgue from The Importance of Being Earnest(Oscar Wilde).

I'm now trying to decide whether i should do two Shakespeares of a contrasting nature (Rumour/Tamora), or if I should do one Shakespeare and one Wilde. If the latter be the case, then i have to decide which of the Bard pieces to use. I tell you what, things just don't like coming easy do they?

til next....
~Kits~ (brain melty)

i used to be able to write everyday. i used to be able to grab a notebook and a pen, find somewhere to sit and observe my surroundings and let the ink slowly scratch it's way across the pages. it would be so easy. words, thoughts and observations used to just slip right out. once upon a time i carried up of two notebooks, ALL OF THE TIME, in order to write various things. one would be for my short stories, the other would be for verse, poetry and song. i could write while watching television, or while taking notes at uni, or while rehearsing a play. not every single word was worth keeping, but i still have a record of them. nowadays, i'm lucky if i can find the energy to write my name on a scrap of paper, just to see if i remember how to use a pen. i've been carrying the same notebook with me for the better part of six months now, and i've barely used up more than ten pages. i'll sit at train stations, the pub, even at rehearsals with my pen at the ready and the book open to the next blank space, but virtually nothing will leak out. it's almost like i've lost the connection with my medium; lost my muse.

i think in the past i had a purpose for my scrawlings, and every once in a while, i regain that purpose and will spit out a few things that are worth keeping. but, for the most part, nothing i write is worth the chemical reaction that took place to make it. i also don't have the energy to sit and write everyday. i've tried. unsuccessfully. i've even tried using a different medium to perhaps bolster any creative urges i have, but even that ends up being a waste of time and electricity, and it's far too easy for me to delete what i create than it is with a pen and paper. a computer can erase any trace of the thought, and i don't like that idea all that much.

perhaps i'm tired. that would explain some of it. perhaps i've just run out of thougts and ideas for the time being. i do think, though, that my biggest problem is that i have no reason or purpose to write anymore. i have no muse. previously, the man i called 'my hero' was my muse, but he recently tumbled from my graces, and since then, i've not had any real care to make words work for me. and i'm saddened by this. words were the only way i could express myself. with words i could release the varied emotions i'd bottled up. it was a cleansing ritual. without the use of words, i'm more tense. i'm easily angered and my tolerance for everything is greatly reduced. i need to find the words again. i need to express again.

i need to find my muse. and that is going to be the toughest part.

til next....
~Kits~ (uh, okay)