it's taken me a very long time to finish this thing, but it's done. a lot few people had asked me what my top ten songs were and i had a lot of trouble answering the question (mostly due to a myriad of distractions), so i sat down and i composed the following list. enjoy.
 

in light of the triple j hottest 100 "of all time" and the ensuing "controversy" surrounding it, i've been trying to put together my "top ten songs of all time". Now, I, like the many thousands of others, attempted to make the deadline for the countdown, but I was too hung up on trying to remember songs I thought were awesome. The consequence being a half completed list that took somewhere in the vacinity of a week to produce, and, thusly, no entry from me.

For anyone unaware: triple j, a radio station that broadcasts nationally here in australia, hosted a “listeners poll” for the “hottest 100 songs of all time”. Now, this initially began way back in the early days of the station's life and became the fore-runner to the annual “hottest 100 ” countdown; a countdown of the 100 favourite songs of the year. Every 10 years, the station will then open up the voting for a “hottest 100 of all time” poll for the listeners to choose up to 10 of their “favourite” (note this) songs “of all time”.

The controversy surrounding this years countdown was the fact that out of the 100 favourites, not a single female artist was selected. Yes, there were representations where some of the bands may have had a female member or they were a guest vocalist on a song, but as an artist, the women were very clearly under-represented. There has been much speculation about this, and even lead to triple j's “hack” program, which is a half hour daily current affairs segment, to look at it and hunt for answers (with little success). It is this speculation that draws me to blog about my “top ten favourite songs of all time”.

Now, i'm not going to put them in any specific order. Given that my taste in music and artists is so fluid, i'm always finding a new “off all time” list. The following list, however, has been given a great deal of thought, and is the most solid representation of what I consider to be my personal “best songs of all time”.

1.cryingroy orbison. As a child, I listened to the “oldies” station, hearing songs from all the 'greats' such as “the big o”. I remember enjoying the sound of his voice and that pretty woman would grace the airwaves a LOT because of the movie of the same name, but this song reminds me more of the sadness I felt when I first heard about his death from a heart attack at... 56? I think (wiki now tells me he was 52). I don't know what it was that I was sad about as I was only 8, but I recall that I was taken aback. “in dreams” was the song that I recall more distinctly listening to as a child, but crying is the song I find wonderful.
2.Tupelonick cave and the bad seeds. This song has special significance to my life. A friend lent me a best of collection of nick cave on a cassette (how old school!) during one of the darkest periods of my life, and this is the standout song. It quite literally saved my life. Don't ask me how or why, just know that this song is so completely awesome you have no idea.
3.Levonelton john. It's simplicity draws me. The story is so simple and yet there is so much that could be found in them. The song also has a strong emotional connection to my first ever elton john concert, where he actually performed it. I did not expect to hear it. I was so overwhelmed by the experience and so happy that I could see my favourite artist live (something I never thought would happen in my lifetime) that I actually cried and sang every word loud and proud and full of so much awesome there are no words.
4.Dear mamatupac shakur. Tupac is an amazing wordsmith. Possibly one of the greatest wordmiths of the 20th century. He was writing awesome shit long before eminem came onto the scene and made “rap” “popular”. This beautiful ode to his mother proves that he was more than the gangster rapper he was touted to be at the time.
5.I touch myself – divinyls. I've loved this song for as long as I can remember! It wasn't until is was in my early teens that I discovered what the song was really talking about! I can generally not get enough of this song. Most recently seen on the “austin powers: international man of mystery” soundtrack...
6.bang bangnancy sinatra. It's such a beautifully tragic song. Mosy notably heard in kill bill. But listen to the lyrics. And the composition is so simple, so ghostly, so...amazing.
7.I will survivegloria gaynor. This song is just so awesome there are almost no words to describe it! There is a clear timeless quality to it, it's empowering (not just for the girls), and I can see myself karaoking to it (still) in 20 years time and shaking my bootay to it in retro night clubs in the future.
8.Ordinary World - Duran Duran. I'm not particularly into duran duran, but this song has always struck a chord (forgive the pun). It was released around the time I began highschool. I'd moved interstate to live in a caravan in my grandparents front yard with my parents and brother, had said goodbye to everyone i'd grown up with and was struggling to find my place in a new school with new people. Essentially, this song kind of described how I was feeling at the time, and also marked a change in my listening habits.
9.Two little boysrolf harris. Yes, you read right, I said rolf harris. This song reminds me of the family road trips from victoria to queensland, singing along to the entire rolf collection (there was other music as well, but rolf is the stand out). There are some fond and not so fond memories associated with those road trips, and rolf harris is one of them. There is just the simple awesomeness of the song: a beautiful commentary about war and friendship. Makes me teary every time I hear it.
10. Namegoo goo dolls. I really can't explain what it is about this song that is so awesome. It could be john reznicks awesome lyrics and vocals, the detuned guitar, or the memories of my first job since graduating highschool and leaving home...whatever it is, this song actually sits significantly higher on the list than the spot it's just been given.

There you have it: my “top ten “of all time””. It has taken me the better part of ten days to compose this list. This is, by far, not my difinitive top ten, but it's pretty close.
 
Your thoughts on this list are greatly appreciated.

til next....
~kits~

i've been doing a lot of reading lately, but not the 'usual' kind of reading. in fact, i can't even remember the last time i leafed through an actual real live book, which surprises me considerably. actually, it shocks me. considering the type of person i am (and albeit a little tainted by the university readings for weekly tutes experience of my early arts/humanites degree (which i never completed due to insanity from the forced digestion of academic texts)), to not have picked up an actual real live book at all this year - and i'm not exaggerating here - sends my mind into a bit of a spin. it's a good job i didn't eat recently. never-the-less, i have been reading: care of the internets, intartubens(tm-pending), interwebs, webbernets, etcetera, etcetera. and it's been making me think - not too much though, we know what that usually does. i really don't utilise this thing as much as i feel i should/need to.

in 2001 when i initially bugged my friend [livejournal.com profile] c4c for a code (back when you had to be invited or pay for an LJ), i just wanted to be part of the "cool group". i was still pretty much a novice at the internet. i couldn't afford to have it connected at home because i was a poor as all beggar-like student - with a cat - who had been forced to move back to her parents house (and let's not get into that, or i might stab things) and was only able to access it from uni, or my best friends' house. that's a fair enough call for a juvy? joovy? juvie? of this 'new fangled communications device'. i'd already killed brain cells attempting the chat world and managed to avoid most of the super creepy freak-o's who just wanted to wank all over their keyboards while you typed general pleasantries (at least i hope i did). however, LJ was the "in thing" and i wanted to be a part of it because, quite simply, all my friends were. i wanted to keep up to date with all my "peoples whom i met on the net and then met in real life". i wanted to 'spy' on their daily happenings. i wanted to tell the world how shitty yesterday was, or how fabulous tomorrow was going to be. i would even be so "bold" as to blog about how boring today was. actually, i still have a tendency to do that, but with less of the "OMG THIS IS SO FABULOUS AND NEW AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE" that i had in the beginning. it was almost a step up from my real journal. the one involving a notebook and a pen. i'll admit to not being so strict with it in recent years, but LJ has never been considered a substitute. i just spend more time at the computer/laptop, and it's a 'convenience'. if there's a thought i'm having, i'll let LJ have it. but not because i care what y'all think, or if you're even interested in knowing.

that's the weird thing about online blogs: audience. they have an audience. people are able to intrude on your life and "know" you through your blog. friendships are made, relationships formed. random people you don't even know will offer advice, proselytise at you or simply abuse you out of pure randomness. celebrity status can be gained, and all you did was document what you've done over the past few days/weeks/months/years on a daily/weekly/monthly/random basis.

...

i don't actually really know where i'm going with this. perhaps i'm attempting to be interesting to those of you who read and don't care all that much about my wangst. perhaps i'm just saying it because i can. the internet is 'technically' free. i'm 'almost' permitted to say whatever i want without some nutbag getting all up-in-my-face about it. i'm just thankful i don't have one of those "internet stalkers". those people can be creepy. but i guess those folks are news for a different night.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!






til next....
~Kits~ (at least one person will find the humour in that)
i suppose i should do a proper update of stuff that has happened...

i've been grossly overworked with a million things that all have a similarly related theme - namely: me. the only thing that connects anything i've been doing is the fact that i am the person who is doing it; there is no other obvious crossover. that is not to say i haven't enjoyed it. it's all connected with what i'm most passionate about, and i'm so super happy about that there are no real words. the fact that it all decided to happen all at once is what's doing my head in. i don't do things by halves, that's for sure. i'm either doing nothing at all and feeling despondant, or i'm totally overwhelmed because the performance arts fairy is feeling generous and handing stuff out willy nilly.

most current is the tech for The Witches at the Brisbane Arts Theatre: which opens this saturday september 20. it's been a long and complicated rehearsal period with highs and lows, absences and 'higher' interference, but it looks good (and that isn't my biased opinion) and that's all that really counts at this stage. i'm exhausted, and just want this week to be over and done with. thankfully, tonight is the final rehearsal EVAR for this production. i need a break. a long calming break.at this stage, if i never have to direct another show again, i will be the happiest person you have ever met in your entire life.

when i did peter pan last year, i thought that was pretty difficult; working with a cast of 27 all under legal drinking age (except for two or three). that had nothing on this cast. a siginificantly smaller group (something like 13), but all over legal drinking age (except for the two 12 year olds) and a veritable sea of egos surging all over the stage. don't get me wrong, i love the cast. they are amazing and have turned what i thought was a frenetic brain fart of ideas into something that actually resembles a theatre production of awesome, but (and isn't there always one of these somewhere?) i've never had to fight my way through so much bullshit in my life. i've really had to work hard on this show just to get some of the really tiny things to work. fair enough, that's my job, but i'm really still a novice in the world of directors and the number of times i've had to hit my head against brick walls just to stop myself going crazy...i'm certain it's innumerable.

so, because i've had to deal with so much, and also because so much else has stepped in and helped to add to my 'stresses', i've decided i'm not directing next year. i'm not sure when i'm going to direct again right now. i'm not sure if i'm actually really ready to direct. i'm almost certain i stepped in a little too deeply with this. actually, to be honest, i don't think i ever want to direct a kids show again. i've done it twice now, and that's more than enough. i'm at the stage in my career (and i feel so comfortable calling it that) now, where i've had all i can take of kids theatre. not because i don't like it, but because people don't take it seriously enough. it is greatly underestimated, and i understand why a great number of actors will refuse to do it. i also want to branch out into other things. i've been given opportunities in the past 18 months that have helped me understand more about myself as a creative person, and i think i deserve more than what i've been getting. so, i'm stepping out of my 'comfort zone' again and trying new things. i know it's not always going to work for me (parade was my first 'leap into the unknown' and i was unsuccessful), but i'm sick of sitting on my thumbs and wondering what i could have done. G&T has helped me a lot there also. they saw something in me that i didn't and that helped to boost my confidence significantly.

the thing is, i now don't know where my passions lie completely anymore. i'm doing so much music these days, that i'm not certain it's not my main passion. or it could be that performance is my passion, and it doesn't matter what form it takes, so long as i'm entertaining an audience: and that really does seem to work for me. i honestly adore those moments when i'm up on a stage (of whatever description) and providing entertainment for other people. i get joy out of that. sure, it's a job, but how many people out there are doing jobs they actually enjoy and have a passion for? i don't think i've ever had more motivation for anything than i do for this. it makes me feel alive. when someone i met a long time ago asked me "why do you want to do it?" i couldn't give them an adequate response because i was very young, and (by comparison) quite inexperienced, but if they asked me that very same question again today, i would tell them just that: it makes me feel alive.

i've successfully managed to get side-tracked, but that's okay. i think it just shows my head space at present. in fact, i think the past few entries over recent days has proven my head space - the fact that i've posted more often this week than i have the entire year kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it?

anyway...

it's the final tech rehearsal tonight with our opening show scheduled for Saturday September 20 at 2pm. the show is no longer in my hands. i don't know how to feel about it - honestly. with pan, i was okay with it, i felt really pleased and proud of the whole thing...this show is different. this could have something to do with the aforementioned "bullshit", or it could be that i'm just so over it, it hurts. whatever it is, i am virtually numb in the knowledge that i am no longer in control of the show. here's hoping it really is as good as people have been saying.

til next....
~Kits~ (off to find the pre-show music i've chosen)
kitsunegari: (Default)
( Sep. 16th, 2008 03:01 pm)
i read things, blogs, whatever, and wonder why i - a writer of some description - appear to have the literary skills of an emo 16 year old with erectile dysfunction. is it that i'm in denial of my 'writer' status? am i really just an emo 16 year old with an erectile dysfuntion and nobody has found the courage to inform me, the way no one has found the courage to infrom Keith Richards he is, in fact, dead? it's okay to tell me these things you know, that way i can make some kind of informed effort to 'correct' the problem.

perhaps it has more to do with my insecurities as a person. i know that i appear to most as pretty confident, but we all know that's not true now, don't we. we all know that i'm just compensating for the fact that i'm a very, mostly, kind of insecure person. no, seriously. i am all too often far too aware of my surroundings - which is hard to deal with when i'm on the stage pretending to be someone else entirely; i don't like anything i do, and i absolutely hate it when people praise me or tell me they like my stuff; can't stand it.

i'm also very good at getting distracted from my original topic and forgetting what i was trying to say...i blame the children.

anyway... there was a point, and i suck at remembering what it was i wanted you to 'skim over' (because no one truly reads blogs unless they're interesting, right?), so i won't bother.

sorry. this started out with potential, and fell into a bucket of something we won't mention (but i may have cleaned it up earlier ;) ).

i shall now wander confusedly towards the kitchen and slice up some skippy steak for marinading purposes...

please continue with what you were doing before i pretended to distract you.

til next....
~Kits~ (inserting random punctuation and irrelevant returns)
kitsunegari: (Default)
( May. 14th, 2008 12:02 pm)
i should check my ebay account more often. i've just discovered i've received my first non positive (neutral) feedback for an item i bought about 3 months ago. fair enough, i gave them neutral feedback, but i felt it fair, considering i had made several attempts to contat them for information regarding postage costs to BRISBANE and what not, only to have to wait forever for any kind of response from them. the icing on the cake was when i woke up to a call from the courier one saturday morning wanting to clarify my address, only to discover that he was in SYDNEY! the courier was hilarious when he re-read the delivery notes and found that my address info clearly stated that i was in fact in BRISBANE and not SYDNEY, and he assured me that i'd be contacted regarding correct delivery.

the item arrived the following tuesday morning, with no contact from anyone.

i was annoyed, but greatful that my expensive item had been delivered. after a great deal of consideration and waiting (i mean, my end of the bargain had been dealt with weeks ago, why couldn't they just leave feedback already!), i left my neutral feedback "item as described. did not communicate after attempted delivery to wrong address". i felt that was a pretty fair statement to make.

i log into my ebay account the earlier to find that they've finally left feedback: "tried to blame us for courier error. unreasonable"
i stare at it for a bit, stunned. then i troll through my feedback and discover this in response to my feedback to them: "It would help if customer gave correct address" - this statement is not true as my address information is correct, and email correspondance clearly states the city i require shipment to.

explain to me how it's a "courier error" if i allegedly supplied the "wrong address"? and if i supplied the wrong address, then, explain to me how the item was delivered without further contact to 'correct' alleged 'incorrect' information?

i really wish i could dispute this and overturn this feedback, simply because i don't believe the 'ethics' of sellers waiting until the buyer has left feedback before returning the favour (i have always left immediate feedback - aside from one occassion, but there was distraction involved). it seems to me that this sellers blatant incompetence and inability to read is their own fault, and they shouldn't be attempting to pass it onto me. i did nothing wrong. i opened communication with the seller when the incorrect invoice was sent, i paid in a timely manner when the correct invoice was <i>eventually</> emailed to me. i responded to all correspondence with the seller in an immediate fashion. i treated the seller with respect, but was never once treated the same in return.

ugh, i'm merely venting, i don't expect advice or responses. i'm just really upset that my perfect ebay rating has been tainted by this one fucktard in sydney who couldn't read.

til next....
~Kits~ (whingy and tired)
kitsunegari: (Default)
( Mar. 23rd, 2008 03:41 pm)
i mustn't be the right type of woman.

why?

well, i've been lightly gnawing on the lindt dark chocolate bunny (complete with collar and bell!) i bought myself for easter, and not enjoying a single morsel of it. in fact, all it is doing is reinforcing my dislike of chocolate and most things sweet and delicious. perhaps it's the pregnancy hormones, i don't know, but i am feeling icky and nauseous from just a few tiny pieces of (admittedly) delicious dark chocolate.

if i can't find joy in chocolate, what the hell am i going to do in an emergency!? chocolate is a staple of a woman's diet! without chocolate how are we to console ourselves when life is shit? what am i expected to consume as i sit alone in my darkened bedroom, face stained with tears, a half empty box of tissues to my left, a pile of soggy used tissues to my right and the soppiest chick flick i could find on the television?

i fail as a woman!

[ woe ]

til next....
~Kits~ (busily navel gazing)  
kitsunegari: (Default)
( Mar. 14th, 2008 04:40 pm)
is it just me or does this whole bs surrounding the livejournals decision to drop the ability to create a 'basic ad free' account just seem a little, well... ridiculous? sure, they [ the company ] weren't exactly polite in their manner of disabling the feature, but can someone tell me exactly what the big deal is? i have a plus account (i also have a basic account) and the ads don't bother me - this may have something to do with the divine firefox add-ons that allow me to disable them. i don't have a paid account simply because i don't use the features i'd be paying for, and i just can't afford to spend the money. i'm not all that upset by the loss of the 'basic' account.

my only annoyance relating to the whole shenanigans was the lack of consultation and information regarding the move prior to it being made. considering that a large chunk of the LJ customer base PAY for the service in some form or another, the least they could have done was make a news post about their plans, rather than go ahead with it, THEN make a subtle mention of the change. that there was a little bit rude, and i think should be apologised for. the fact that the option no longer exists doesn't concern me in the slightest. i don't do much more than read my Flist and post every now and again.

the reaction to it is almost up there with the LJ Strikethrough Drama of '07. people are behaving as if they've been butt raped by Frank the Goat himself! (which really just conjures up amusing images of people being sexually assaulted by a giant novelty goat with a paedophile grin, but that could just be me). all in all, these people who are so horribly butt hurt by the whole thing amuse me intensely.

i just don't understand why they are getting so butthurt. perhaps they need to spend more time away from LJ and out in the real world?

til next....
~Kits~ (confused, amused and...uh...infused?)
had i not been 'too ill' to work on saturday night i would not have been able to FINALLY catch an episode of "The Sideshow"

had i not caught sight of this program i would not have reignited my 'muse'.

damn that man.


his 'muse'-ness disappeared many years ago, but last saturday's show brought it back when i happened across this song which was the basis to my own song "Reflection". after hearing him perform it live with GUD (a couple of my friends out there  know the show i'm talking about; looking at [profile] cool_boof and [personal profile] debs7 *coughbootlegcough*), i taught myself to play it on guitar.

i understand now why pots dislikes him so much. this guy has been my number one man for far too long. it's hard to give up something that brings so much. but paul only brings inspiration, pots brings more, though he is still jealous. i would have thought that a man with pots' intelligence would have worked out what it is i see in mcderbrain is merely the creativity i see in myself. still, inspiration is a lot, and i suppose pots is jealous that he doesn't provide as much creative inspiration as the angry dwarf. i've not even mentioned him my journal since something like, 2002.

fuck. i've missed that man. i cried when i heard the first chords being played by cameron; i knew instantly what the song was and i travelled. once again paul showcases himself as a wonderful wordsmith. i am soooo jealous.

thank you ABC.  thank you GNWTV. and thank YOU, TED ROBINSON!

i feel more wonderful writings coming up in the future (assuming pots allows me to watch the show again. well, he never watched "The Big Gig", so he just doesn't get it).

til next....
~Kits~ (oh gods. the 'issues' are going to start again, aren't they? *stares imploringly at [profile] c4c*)

ps: i'm sure i'm also the only one to have written GUD slash. or at least the first to. i should find that story... i find it amusing.

pps: i should think about sleeping sometime within the next 8 hours as well. i think i'm becoming stupidly delerious (more so than ususal). though, in the past, this has boosted creative output, not necessarily for the best, but certainly for the volume - i tend to ramble.
i walk into work; i'm being treated differently. the duty manager is now willing to discuss the communcation issues between leading staff and the subsidiaries. i have found it odd previously, but tonight i'm caught off guard and actually talk in sentences laced with politicisms. i shouldn't, i know what this one is like, but i lack the ability to care any more. i grasp for a sugarfree redbull out of the fridge while we discuss everything. she is the only one who ever asks after my son though. the illusion of care. i'll admit to being saddened at the passing of her husband, but i'll not let that interfere with the fact that she is full of utter bullshit. she once tried converse with me on a topic i'm fairly knowledgeable on, and it took all my energies not to laugh in her face at her false and incredible statements. however, she has always taken care to note what i have said about the boy. sentimentality aside, i shouldn't let my politics slip when she is around. she baits, like a fisherman, but i am weary on all other occasions. tonight though, i slipped. i went for it and circled. i circled like a school of shark; attempting to answer the questions without letting on exactly what i was thinking. i doubt my success. i do think i may have been clever with my statements. i focused more on the moron than his lackey. which is the truth. the moron is the cause, and the effect of this whole thing.

i've actually come to hate this job. and it's taken this transfer opportunity to bring this realisation home. i was at work tonight paranoid and wishing i wasn't there. i was almost convinced i was being watched because the chick taking over the job i wanted didn't like the fact that i knew what i was doing and made her look good. she hasn't spoken to me since last saturday (and note also that this 'woman' is my age). i'm still of the mind though, that if she had really wanted the job and wanted to learn it, as she stated a few times last saturday, she would have volunteered for the position as i had.

yep. i volunteered for a leadership role the day before i was offered a transfer. now, i took the transfer because i knew i would get away from my boss. i took it because i was being offered something better than what i already had. now, if my boss had a brain in that almost 30-something head of his, he would have gone "this person wants to run the shift, we need to keep her. how can we make it beneficial". INSTEAD, i get this "oh, (store name) just called saying you were transferring. thanks for telling me." i'm not obligated to tell him i'm looking elsewhere. in fact, very few jobs actually state that i should tell my line manager. so my not telling him was, in fact, NON OF HIS BUSINESS, according to what i've read to date. i could be wrong there, though.

all that aside, i really hate this job. i do a great big pile of everything during the day, least of which being: help take care of a toddler, and then i'm expected to go to work on a friday night for 5 hours, theatre all day saturday followed closely by work for another 5 hours. then a get all of sunday to prepare for 7.5 hours off hell between 12:30 and 8 am on mondy. it's fucking up my life. i can't handle not having the time to relax on a weekend. despite my not working during the week at present, i have no 'relaxation time'. i'm on call as mother for most of that time, while pots works. but trying to make the rest of the world understand that is, at the best, impossible.

i'm exhausted. i need a holiday, and there is no time to fit one in. pots and the monkey get a 2 week vacation in july. I. DO. NOT. so, while they're relaxing, i'm getting used to my new job, possibly rehearsing a new show and watching my current show come to a close. with luck, i'll get holidays come january. until then: who knows.

so, if i can't hang with you, it's one of many reasons: i'm performing (G&T may need me), i'm trying to sleep, pots has a gig, i'm simply tired, i'm studying. that may not be all, but it's a start. i'm full of horribly lame excuses,but they're all true, and that's what makes it sad.

life was so much simpler when i was unemployed and had no baggage.*

can anyone suggest some yummy pampering (the massage the other day was utterly useless for a variety of reasons), incl./excl. hot young things with not much on and feeding me food and booze?

til next....
~Kits~ (on the verge of something)

(*a general statement, not to mean i think pots and the monkey are horrible and unwanted baggage. that is far from the truth.)
right-o. i'm currently reviewing the new level 5 water restricions that come into play on april 10.

explain to me why people are still permitted to water their gardens using town water? my neighbour is currently out and about with his hose because he qualifies as 'debilitated enough' to not be able to use a bucket, and with the new rules, it'll be because he's over 70. now, i want to see his proof of age related debilitation. seiously, if this guy can handle a fucking circular saw, he can carry a fucking water bucket! and why are they allowing a TWENTY MINUTE watering interval? why is it allowable for a person using a hose to be able to do so for TWENTY smegging MINUTES! don't they realise how much water that is going to waste?
but wait, it gets worse. if you've just built your garden you get to spray it for ONE HOUR! that's THREE TIMES MORE WATER BEING WASTED. are our councillers that fnordingly stupid? the short answer is: yes.
surely ALL external watering should be ruled out. this will help save a great deal more water. and thusly be a good thing. gardens aren't going to add that much value to your house. no. really, they're not.

i also believe that a ban on new swimming pools should be put in place. the pissy "do not use retuculated(town) water to fill new or renovated pool/spa" is horrorfyingly ridiculous. oh, but get this: EXISTING pools/spas can use said water during specified times. pools are a LUXURY, NOT a NECESSITY! prioritise your fucking lives morons.

what the hell kind of residential household consumes 8ooL or MORE per day? at least they're being required to submit a water usage audit, but seriously...

that's just the residential water usage plan i'm griping about. i've not got the time at this point to read the rest of the document, but it can be found here here. it's a PDF.

seriously. Victorians are in a significantly worse state of drought than we are here (100% compared to our pithy 64%), and they're restricion level is lower than ours. wanna know why? they are considerably stricter in their restriction requirements. when we were in level three, they had the same requirements in level 1 or 2. i think SA has the weakest requirements though. they've got places currently at level SEVEN, and they allegedly have NO WATER AT ALL!!!! is that where WE want to be?

surely there has to be a way of getting through to our council that this is ridiculous. from my brisk look at non-residential requirements, it's not that dissimilar to level four. get a clue people.

oh, and Peter (Beattie), if you seem to think that we can afford to give some of North Queensland's water to the Murray/Darling basin, then why don't we consider giving it to the South-East of Queensland first? i mean, there's plenty of it right? once we're all sorted out down here, with out water recycling plants et al, maybe THEN we can start thinking about giving it to them.*

til next....
~Kits~ (trying to teach and old dog new tricks)
*i'm not saying that the murray basin isn't important and shouldn't be saved. i'm saying, if we've got the water to provide, shouldn't HE be thinking of his own state first? i mean, if he's looking to continue as premier that is.
sitting and thinking has never been my most favorite of past times, for the simple reason i don't like where my thoughts tend to go. and it's difficult to explain what my head does. i suppose the best method of understanding parts of it's workings is by reading my musings and writings or listening to my compositions. they're the only example of me expressing what i'm thinking, which has lead to accusations of being dark and introspective. i'd say sorry, but i'd be lying. i need to let this shit out somehow, and that's the only way i know how. mind you, not all of my work is dark, it just happens to be that the majority are.

i'll sit in a room with people i know, or i'll be watching a movie, or taking a crap and suddenly images of violence will flash across my vision. my daydreams tend to be about imagining what it would be like to witness someone dying horribly in the most horrific accident i could think of at the time. scenes of carnage and death litter my daily thoughts, which is one of the reasons i don't like being alone with them. given any quiet moment, i'll have vivid thoughts of people close to me dying horrifically, or tortured in some gruesome way. so vivid, there are sounds, smells and even tastes, but colour is often optional.

most of my dreams and visions are in a sepia tone. even some of my most vivid dreams, where i can still taste the scenery (yeah, i taste scenery, deal with it), they are most often in sepia, or too dark from lack of light to tell whether colour actually exists (for those who are interested, the sepia scenery tastes mostly like dirt and dust, with a hint of having just licked a towel). back when i was having the worst period of my life thus far, i would go about my daily business in a world coloured like old photos. during those 12 months or so (could be less, i'm not sure) everything i looked at had no discernible colour; it was all shades of brown and tan. when i think of the past, it is also sepia. in fact, a lot of what isn't in the present tends to be in this tone, and i don't know what that means.

i write this because i've started seeing them again; the violence and sepia tones. i recently dreamed of someone worth more than anything to me dying and i had to work out how to survive without them. i'm beginning to see carnage wherever i am, and occasionally the sepia creeps in to what i'm doing. i've also been seeing things at work, but not feeling it, which makes me wonder if it's really there. there are no butterflies in my stomach when the shadows are moving around the floor at work. i've stared right at them as they have walked past my aisle, but i've not felt that they exist. in fact, i've never had the butterflies at work, which is usually a dead give away. but the shadows are still there.not all the time though. i've not seen them during the over night shifts i've done, only regular shifts. usually between 10pm and midnight. it's confusing me. i'm not used to seeing and not feeling. it's horribly disconcerting and worries me. am i just imaging it?

perhaps the sleep deprivation is beginning to have an effect. i really don't know, and the more i attempt to analyse it, the more i come to realise, i'm not as good at it as i used to be. something has become so radically different, that i've yet to figure it out. i really hope i'm not being stalked again.

til next....
~Kits~ (venting)
these horrid monday morning shifts are going to eventually break me i can see it. it's not the shift itself that will do the breaking though, it'll be everything else associated with the shift. things like my stupid energy sapping, slouchng, scuffing and mumbling twat scratch of a manager and his inability to make a proper Merch order, and then have the gall to complain about the ends not being complete. then there's the crazy monday morning traffic. brisbane drivers are disgusting! i am reminded every time i go driving why i took so long to bother about it. even cycling isn't what it used to be thanks to the traffic. i'm forced to dodge pedestrians (who are just as deadly as cars you know) while riding at minimum speed along the footpath, which makes the ride virtually useless to me. whether i drive or ride, it still takes forever to get home. this makes little sense to me, as the it is normally only a 30minute ride, unless it is monday morning, wherein it will take 40-50minutes.

if none of those two things break me, perhaps the fuzzy feeling of being awake for almost 2 days (sleeping on a sunday is almost impossible with the Monkey around) and when the sun rises i get that 'daydream scene from a movie' filter across my vision. everything, even the horrid traffic and my useless lump of flesh of a manager, look better with this filter on. i think there is only so much of the 'everything is just a dream' thing that i can handle though, especially where the troglodytic grocery wanker is concerned. i really don't like the idea of having my mind start thinking of him as part of my dreams. if i want nightmares, i'll go back to the ones i was having a few years ago, at least they were interesting and caused the creation of some fabulous word sketches. all tim does is make me want to dry retch with disgust, and cause the ink in my pen to leak.

there is of course the other fact of the 'cleansing ale' to wind down from a nasty 8 hour graveyard shit, eh, shift. not that i've cracked a cold one open this morning, or evening...whatever, but it will most likely happen. it happens most nights when i finish work. not all, but most (this is made easier now that i only have 3 shifts a week). i'm almost convinced that if i start conditioning myself to drink at this hour of the day, even if it is just one glass to wind down after work, i may condition myself to do it EVERY day. beer and cornflakes (or breakfast food of the moment) doesn't sound all that appealing to me (unlike the maple syrup i added to my chicken legs last night. very very nice indeed!). that could be my breaking point right there if the dream sequence involving 'tim the tool' doesn't first.

actually, i think the forcing myself to stay awake for the whole smegging day is what'll do it. if the biol faclty could just can their monday classes for me, that'd be very very nice. that way, pots won't have to bugger off ten minutes after i get home to tutor the plebs while i sit here bleary eyed and wondering where my brain went - assuming it ever existed. why do people feel the need to cram as much biology into their heads at 10am on a monday of all days? surely, as students, they understand the benefits of the 'sleep in' and feel the need to untilise this commodity as often as possible...right? ah, who'm i kidding! i know for certain that those won't be the classes i'll be taking if i'm still doing this shift next year.

ugh. i gotta find something to do that'll prevent my untimely collapse that will allow the monkey free reign of the house. two year olds and lack of supervision are neither welcome nor ideal.

til next....
~Kits~ (bleerp)
how do you say it?

so many times the moment has arrived and been let slip past for no other reason than cowardice.

strength could be the issue.

sobriety another.

personal belief.

isuck.

and no i will not answer questions so don't bother asking (you know who you are).

you know, there are so many varied occasions when i wish i knew better how to express what i'm thinking to those close to me, or those i perceive as close.

this is one of many.

the opportunity arises and i falter.

this is normal?

for most?

a planned occasion was shot down in flames earlier.

nothing unusual there.

why is everything a struggle right now?

just fucking KISS ME GODDAMMIT!

make a fucking move!

stop messing with my fucking head.

i SHOULDN'T have these thoughts, but you were there before this.

and i've not moved on.

i should, it'll never be more than a fling.

fcuk!

just say it!

it'll eat you from the inside out if you don't

personal philosophy aside; just ASK!

stupid crossroads.

is it wrong to want someone to actually practice the words they spell out in something close to a promise?

i don't think i was built for this sort of existence.

where's the freedom?

til next....
~Kits~ (a partial thought leak)
A German doctor has been ordered to pay for a child that 'was not wanted' due to what appears to be a botched contraceptive implant procedure. what i find fascinating is that there was apparently NO EVIDENCE of the device found in the womans body.

i don't really know what to say. having gone through my very own 'unwanted pregnancy', but appearing to be dealing with it fairly well, and having been contemplating some sort of chemical contraception in order to prevent another 'accident', this kind of, i don't know, opens up a few doors of questioning? i've been disuaded in the past simply due to my own laziness and phobia of MDs. there have been some side effects to some of the devices that have been less than enticing also, and then there are those cases where there are people who have become pregnant while implanted (and the device clearly noted) BUT NOT pursuing some kind of retribution. i really don't know.

i know where some of my feelings lie, but i'm not of the kind who freely expresses this information, even after a post work wind down drink. but i do know that i can't understand this want or need to sue for EVERYTHING that goes wrong. is it not simply enough to understand that sometimes mistakes can happen, and that it may be a case of the doctor was NOT at fault (referring to the lack of implant found)? that perhaps her own body was fighting against her? it sounds like some kind of hocus pocus crap of sorts (and i know there are people out there who may think that), but what if this woman's body simply digested the implant? just because it's never previously been documented doesn't mean it can't happen. seriously, everything that is documented HAD to have a beginning. perhaps this is the beginning of something. perhaps there are other women out there whose bodies will absorb and discard the implant the way i imagine this womans body did. makes for some great sci-fi doesn't it?

i don't think i agree that the doctor should pay for the childs maintenance (as it seems the father is being compensated financially for this whole thing). it's setting a precendent now for other cases to go ahead in the 'oh no my contraceptive didn't work and i'm pregnant' scenarios. geez, it's almost the same as suing your local supermarket for selling you that packet of condoms that had one break during one of your 'experiences' and resulting in you becoming a parent. it's almost absurd! but then again, they are germans, and they don't tend towards doing things by halves now, do they?

i still don't know. it's mind boggling. and my brain has been mostly frazzled thanks to the past week or so of not finishing work til the not-so-wee hours of the morning. when people get back from their holidays i may be able to think more clearly, but then again, we are talking about ME. :P

til next....
~Kits~ (cor blimey its cold this morning)
out of boredom, i wandered to the dining room and picked up my guitar. the single most expensive item i've ever paid for with my own money. that which, hopefully, one day will be my major source of income. something i used to pick up for more than an hour every day. a 'toy' that has apparently fallen victim to the same creative sapping disease that's sucked my brain dry of all it's ability to use words expressively.

i've just spent perhaps ten minutes doodling. picking random notes here and there, strumming abstract chords in the hope of creating something new. some of the chords sounded really nice, incredibly abstract, and may eventually make their way into something i write. for the most part, it was a bland session. more of a warm up and practice so i don't forget how to play, or lose the layers of hardened skin on the ends of my fingers that have taken many years to cultivate. but mainly so that i stay limber. with my physically demanding job i risk losing the slenderness of my fingers and their flexibility, so i need to keep up the practice, or else i'll lose any hope of becoming a better musician.

but i can't focus. i can't sit and play non stop for an hour at a time. i used to be able to just sit and play set after set after set, every day, singing and playing because i enjoyed it. i loved the feel of the strings on my fingers, the sound that the guitar made, the strength hidden within the music. again, i'm finding myself lacking enough energy to even pick my guitar up. and when i do, everything i play sounds so lacklustre. the music sounds bored, old and played out. the strength has left it. even the words themselves, the very words that i have written and once sounded so beautiful to me, appear crusty and cliche.

what the hell is going on with me? everything i love and adore about myself is fading away and i don't know why. i dont' know how to stop it. i dont' even know where it's going. i dont' even know who to talk to to try and find it. everything is just slowly creeping out of the door and i can't seem to stop them from leaving.

fucking hell! when did i become so EMO?!?!???!!!

the more i write about it, the more i get it out, the closer i am to finding the problem and the solution. analysis. it's all about analysis. but sometimes i analyse too much....

til next....
~Kits~ (leaking)
i used to be able to write everyday. i used to be able to grab a notebook and a pen, find somewhere to sit and observe my surroundings and let the ink slowly scratch it's way across the pages. it would be so easy. words, thoughts and observations used to just slip right out. once upon a time i carried up of two notebooks, ALL OF THE TIME, in order to write various things. one would be for my short stories, the other would be for verse, poetry and song. i could write while watching television, or while taking notes at uni, or while rehearsing a play. not every single word was worth keeping, but i still have a record of them. nowadays, i'm lucky if i can find the energy to write my name on a scrap of paper, just to see if i remember how to use a pen. i've been carrying the same notebook with me for the better part of six months now, and i've barely used up more than ten pages. i'll sit at train stations, the pub, even at rehearsals with my pen at the ready and the book open to the next blank space, but virtually nothing will leak out. it's almost like i've lost the connection with my medium; lost my muse.

i think in the past i had a purpose for my scrawlings, and every once in a while, i regain that purpose and will spit out a few things that are worth keeping. but, for the most part, nothing i write is worth the chemical reaction that took place to make it. i also don't have the energy to sit and write everyday. i've tried. unsuccessfully. i've even tried using a different medium to perhaps bolster any creative urges i have, but even that ends up being a waste of time and electricity, and it's far too easy for me to delete what i create than it is with a pen and paper. a computer can erase any trace of the thought, and i don't like that idea all that much.

perhaps i'm tired. that would explain some of it. perhaps i've just run out of thougts and ideas for the time being. i do think, though, that my biggest problem is that i have no reason or purpose to write anymore. i have no muse. previously, the man i called 'my hero' was my muse, but he recently tumbled from my graces, and since then, i've not had any real care to make words work for me. and i'm saddened by this. words were the only way i could express myself. with words i could release the varied emotions i'd bottled up. it was a cleansing ritual. without the use of words, i'm more tense. i'm easily angered and my tolerance for everything is greatly reduced. i need to find the words again. i need to express again.

i need to find my muse. and that is going to be the toughest part.

til next....
~Kits~ (uh, okay)
blogging just doesn't have the 'wham' it used to.
i'm barely interested in reading other peoples these days, and can't really be bothered updating my own out of sheer laziness.
well, laziness and the fact that i'm not really at the computer all that much anymore.

it's just a voyeurism anyway. a self centered voyeurism.
  • let's talk about the bullshit i get up to in my daily happenings. i don't even care if you read it or not, i'm just so full of myself that i have to share EVERY SINGLE SMEGGING DETAIL (i'll admit that i've been guilty of this narcissism, but i only do it occassionally, and only when i'm feeling particularly full of it). there are some things you should just leave OUT of your blog. i mean that. REALLY.


  • then there's those who use their blogs to thrust their politics upon you (with a hint of the religious/non religious hankerings). sometimes these blogs are actually worth reading, because they are inciteful, witty and interesting. most of the time, however, they are not. i particularly despise the ones who use it as a platform to try and force people into believing in the same right wing/left wing/slightly off centre bullshit they do. yes, there are some things i'm passionate (or at least care) about, but i'm not inclined to say "HEY, YOU MUST TAKE NOTICE OF THIS OR I'LL KNOCK YOUR SMEGGING TEETH OUT OF YOUR HEAD!"


  • i rather 'like' the ones who come over all self important. oh, they certainly are very interesting to read, in actual fact. they're always posting about how much better they are than the other people they 'chat' with. i rather enjoy the ones who'll post transcripts of arguments they've had in whatever forum they were posting in that week, and brag about how much more 'mature' than their 'opponent' they are.
ah, whatever. i dont' really know where i'm heading with this.
as always, i've had an idea that's run out of steam less than half the way through.

i'm simply venting.
i'm not self important and i'm not forcing this onto anyone.
i'm just letting off steam.

i now have to go do a stocktake.
*gasm*

til next....
~Kits~ (more than just a farting brain)
so, 10% of Liberal voters would seriously consider changing their vote due to the new Industrial Relations Laws. this is almost promising.

the government is in deep shit over the AWB Cole Inquiry thing.

it now doesn't matter whether you are a suspected terrorist or not, the government passed (unapposed and unamended) a new bill that allows them to tap your phone, read your SMS, track your internet activity, because you may have been seen in the vacinity of a suspected terrorist. yay for more invasion of privacy laws. keep em coming guys. and i wonder why i didn't vote for them?

i was a tool and posted an entry meant for a community in my journal because i was too stupid to change where i was posting it to.

til next....
~Kits~ (i wonder if i can find a secluded island in international waters and live the rest of my life there?)
meh

something's decided that its not right. i dont know what, but something. though, while i listen to Dan's cd i think that that may have something to do with it. i think i'm undecided about myself. there's a direction i know i want to go in, but i'm not sure how to get there. there's resentment, but towards whom i'm not sure. or maybe i do and don't want to admit it.

i can't even get a straight fucking thought out.

i'm just going to ramble now: behind this cut for conveience )

i think i've run out of steam for now. i'm sure i'll be back at a later date to vent some anguish upon the masses...

til next....
~Kits~
.

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